Recently, as I was preparing to pay some monthly bills, the thought of loneliness or being alone struck me. Let me explain.

Ursula handled all the finances. Now, the finances are my responsibility. Ursula constantly communicated What was being paid, how much, and what we had left over. Now, as I click to make a payment, check the accounts, transfer monies, etc., there’s no one to communicate that with; there’s no one to tell. I’m realizing this is my life now because the one you created this life with is no longer here to share it with, to communicate with, and that’s a lonely feeling. Oh, I have my children, but I think most of you get what I’m saying. There’s no one to tell.

Since losing my LW Ursula on October 16, 2023, I have had my moments of grief. I never imagined becoming a widower at age 57. We were supposed to grow old as we rode into the sunset together. It’s been tough, and I know the grieving process is far from over, But through this short journey, I have learned a few things.

First, Grief is not a one-time experience. You don’t take a test, pass, and say, ok, I’ve grieved; I’ve passed; let’s move on!! No, grief comes, goes, then comes back again anyway, at any time.

Second, There’s no cookie-cutter system for grief. No two experiences will be alike. It will be different for everybody. For some, it can come in the middle of the night, others in the middle of traffic, and still others in the middle of a grocery store.

Third, grief does not discriminate. It affects all, regardless of race, beliefs, education, economic position, or birthplace. Our response may differ, but “Everybody in the same boat!”

And finally, Four, grief is a good thing. Wait, huh, what? Yes, It doesn’t feel good during those moments; you don’t say yeah, bring it on, give me more grief, but it’s the journey towards the healing process. Grief allows us to move forward.

Each morning, as I prepare for the day, I look at her empty chair in the bathroom and face three realities:

1. She’s not here.

2. She’s not coming back.

3. And I can’t change that.

After this, I continue to prepare, knowing God is with me and will give me the grace and strength to make it. I also allow myself to grieve, as well as honor and cherish the memories that we shared throughout the years. Tomorrow starts another morning.

We live, move, and breathe to be in service to others.

Ursula spent her life in service to others. That’s why you see all the extras in our home, from soap to toothpaste, to towels, to groceries, etc. She lived for her family. Actually in finances and cooking, she looked out for us. Her filing everything, though at times seemed a little extreme, it all had a purpose. She took great comfort in caring for us. She didn’t seek praise, approval, or acknowledgment from others, though it was warranted, and not always given instead, she put others first, above her own needs. Now, as I grieve the love of my life, I must take this mantle, this standard, the model I witnessed for so many years, and serve someone else, not as she did, but in the way God has uniquely designed me to serve.

As I entered the front door after returning from an all-day outing, I heard a loud cry from upstairs; I quickly disarmed the alarm and proceeded upstairs to my youngest daughter’s room. As I entered her room, she was kneeling, bent over her bed, looking at a picture of her momma on her phone, and still crying. I tried to tell her it would be alright, but I couldn’t. I wanted to say to her that God was in control, but I didn’t; as my tears started, I felt helpless and hopeless because Daddy could not give her what she needed and wanted: her momma.

As I set my navigation system for my commute to work in early October of 2022, it rerouted me differently. I thought it was tripping, so I reset it, only to be given the same alternate route. After the third time, I realized something was happening, and maybe I needed to heed what it suggested. As I drove the alternate route, I thought perhaps it was highway construction; it was 2:30 am. What else could it be? Sadly, I later learned that an intoxicated, wrong-way driver killed a Dallas police officer driving into work. And while my thoughts and prayers went out to the family and others, the most solemn thing for me was the following day. I again set my navigation system and drove my regular commute. Just twenty-four hours ago, this road was shut down, marked, taped off, and filled with first responders and news crews; traffic was backed up and had to be rerouted. Now it’s reopened, and thousands of cars are commuting as if nothing happened.

As I pondered this, I thought about life. James 4:14b (NKJV) states, “For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away.” All of us will one day die; those left will mourn, cry, grieve, but eventually life will move on without us. Everything we’ve done will become memories. And during those moments, we will want the world to stop, but it won’t because it can’t. Life is a vapor; here for a moment, and then it’s gone. You might feel that this is unfair. You might think you will never find the strength to move forward, but you must because the road reopens. It always does.

While Driving on Hidden Ridge in Irving this morning, heading to my first pick-up, I passed the Verizon Campus. What was the significance? It was Ursula final place of employment. When possible, I drove over, picked her up, and we would accomplish lunch. But if you knew Ursula, lunch could include shopping, looking for stuff, or eating lunch! The lunch I remember most? I had picked up some wings before arriving, and we went and sat in the park. As we sat there enjoying our wings, these vast, hairy-looking creatures with long tales started coming out of the pond, sniffing in the air while heading toward us! They were smelling our wings! We eventually left and later found out what they were, “water rats!” don’t believe me, Google it! Ursula, thanks for the memories, even the “water rats!” I miss you so much. 😘😍🥰❤️💋 – John (Panda) 🐼 P.S. (The passenger that I was supposed to pick up? She never showed up! Funny how God works!) 😁

Even if you decide not to do the work at least take good notes.

We need everybody’s prayers. This message is going out to everyone. While I was away Ursula took a turn for the worst, she went into shock and had to have emergency surgery. Her appendix was rubbing against a blood vessel causing it to bust. Her blood pressure dropped to 40./30 She lost a lot of blood, 6 units requiring her to have a massive transfusion. The Dr said the surgery went well, but because her body was in shock the next 24 hours will be crucial, because they’re not sure how other organs will respond. He also stated She has a lot of acid buildup that has to be removed. Please keep my baby and love of my life in your prayers.

Stop living miserable, afraid, and consumed with everyone else’s consumption. Live life.