“There’s a storm out
On the ocean
And it’s moving this old way
If your soul’s not
Anchored in Jesus
You will surely
Drift away!”

On the morning of October 16, 2023, Ursula, my wife of 28 years, passed away following a brief hospital stay. The morning following her passing, I woke up. The morning following her funeral, I woke up. A year later, I woke up. Now, over two and a half years later, as I travel, write, and speak, I thank God for still waking me up.

As a Christian, I firmly believe that nothing in life just happens. From the time I was born to the time I will die, my life has been planned out by the all-wise and all-knowing Creator God. He knows every part of my being. The ups and downs, the good and bad, the joys and pains. He even knows the hairs on my bald head! Smile! Because he is all-knowing, he is not taken by surprise by anything, but has a plan and purpose in everything. Yes, everything: even the death of a spouse. King Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived, describes it this way: “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV) in Verse 3:2a it states “a time to be born, and a time to die; and Verse 3:4 states A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 2023 was the start of my season of weeping, and mourning. But along the way, I also found time to laugh and dance. This book, though short in pages, is powerful in purpose. It’s my 2023 journey. It’s not about my grief journey per se, but the three ways God prepared me for it.

I never asked for this road; no one would have. Losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. In fact, the Holmes and Rahe Life Stress Inventory (which rates stress levels in life-changing events) states that the death of a spouse is the number one life-changing event, with a stress score of 100. But while I was given this road of grief, I was reminded of the words spoken by Christ to the apostle Paul in II Corinthians 12:9a (KVJ): “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.“ My prayer, as you read this book, is that you find strength, hope, and purpose in Christ amid whatever you are facing or will face. God knows even before we do, and will use it for his glory. “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (CSB) That’s what this book is about: Before the Storm: How a Demotion, Confirmation, and a Dream Prepared me for Grief. God bless.

-John Lee Allen

“Who are you calling ugly, sucker?” Have you looked in the mirror lately? Whoa, before you get offended, I’m not speaking about physical looks here. No, no, in a strange way, it’s about serving others. Let me explain. Recently, we got our first snowstorm of the season in Dallas. Snow, ice, sleet, and freezing rain mean shut-down, city, baby: no work, no school, raid the grocery stores, and stay home! But some professions, mines included, require braving this wintry forecast, which can be both beautiful and treacherous at times. Working for a rideshare company that prides itself on vehicle cleanliness is a big deal! Who doesn’t like being picked up in a clean, nice-smelling vehicle! This consistency, along with safety and hospitality, is what our customers have come to expect.

Value is the key to service. But this snowstorm reminded me once again that, though I can’t control the weather, I can control the service I provide. As I drove on highways, streets, and into neighborhoods, the remnants of this wintry mix became evident on the car. Snow, sand, dirt, and everything else that could stick to it covered it, causing it to look like an old car wrap! It was ugly! As customers entered the car, I found myself constantly apologizing for the ugliness. Their response: “There’s no need to apologize, you can’t control this!” I then realized that safety and hospitality would be my service for the day. As I made my drop-offs, I heard responses such as: “Thanks, John, for getting us here safely,” or “Thanks for the ride and conversation!” In the end, I realized that serving others still existed, but “Sometimes you got to go ugly!”

Waking up that rainy morning, the struggle became more intense. Over the previous days, discouragement began creeping in as the enemy tried to gain the upper hand. “It’s not going to work, it’s not what you think, this is all for nothing, there’s no relationship, there’s too much distance, too many miles, too many other responsibilities. Long-distance relationships don’t work, never have, never will. God is fooling you. She’s been on a few one-and-done dates since moving to Washington. She told you about them. At least they are near, but you, my friend, what can you do, what can you offer? You’re hours away! “Come on, be honest, you can’t give her what she needs or desires.” Talking about being punched and feeling the effects!! But as always, “God has a purpose; God has a plan!”

Later, as I drove to work, my GPS rerouted me a different way. Taking a different route meant I wouldn’t be stopping by my favorite RaceTrac gas station for my morning coffee. I was a little discouraged, because it’s one of the better ones around. It’s always well stocked, the employees are friendly, it’s clean, and their coffee machines are always working. Maybe having a police station, city bus depot, and city sanitation department within walking distance has something to do with that. Thankfully, both of my alternate routes have a RaceTrac along the way. (“God has a purpose; God has a plan!”) Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed a homeless man entering the store. As I headed towards the coffee section, he was standing at the last coffee machine (there are five in total), filling a cup he brought in. Stepping towards the third machine, He turned, smiled, and said a few words. I grabbed a cup, selected the flavor and size, and waited as it dispensed. “Hey, hey, are you going to pay for that?” I heard from a distance. He never turned around. I turned to make eye contact with the cashier. I asked softly how much for his coffee, upon which she signaled, Never mind. Turning to check my coffee, Kathy stepped between us, resting a big box between her and the counter of the fourth coffee machine. Looking towards the homeless man, she repeated, “I got toiletries, I got toiletries, I got toiletries!” as she looked in the box. My coffee was now ready, and like that, she was gone. Turning towards the kiosk to flavor my coffee, I lost track of the homeless man. As I headed towards the counter to pay, I noticed him again. He was walking out and back into the weather.

Heading towards my truck, I noticed he was wearing only one shoe. A sock covered his left foot, which was overlapping and saturated with water. As he slowly walked through a large puddle, Kathy came out of the store with the box. Again looking towards him, she walked towards me, repeating, “I got shoes, I got shoes, I got shoes.” As she set the box between us, I shifted my coffee to my left hand and placed my right arm under the box to give support as she looked for shoes. Turning to get into my truck, again, she was gone. And the homeless man had walked off into the distance. At that moment, God reminded me that there is no need to worry about anything; he will supply all our needs when we make serving others our priority. “Whoever shuts their ears to the cry of the poor will also cry out and not be answered.” Proverbs 21:13 NIV

Let me just say, I had a rough day today. No need to explain why it was rough, just know it was. But even on this rough day, I got a message. I must be aware of falling into the what-ifs and why-me, and see that’s why I don’t! thinking. I must be mindful of the self-pity-victim mentality, and fight it with everything I got. During those moments, it’s easy for me to complain rather than encourage. It’s easy to let my life come to a grinding halt because of things I can’t control, change, or fix. Yet each passing day, so many fall into this trap, sabotaging their success and taking themselves out of a life of living, loving, learning, laughing, and serving others. Yes, you will have rough days, you will experience trying moments, you will face loss, but don’t let your precious time, energy, talents, and gifts be wasted another day being pissed about something you can’t change or do nothing about. If it’s in your power to change and do something, then by all means, have at it: make the commitment, stand up, move forward, and make the sacrifice. But if not, stop being the person who complains, stays pissed off, and does nothing.

The bible says in John 10:10, “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. Satan desires to take what God has given through lies, deceit, trickery, false accusations, stress, hard ache, pain, so that the focus becomes you and not the word of God. Self-pity lies in all of us. Luke 22: 31 states, “And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:”

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“This is why you came here, to drive,” echoed in my spirit as I sat slumped in the company car, angry, discouraged, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting to quit. Two weeks had passed since I was demoted from my office job as a lead/shift manager back to being a driver. Honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but still, it caught me off guard. The demotion wasn’t because I had violated company policy. Nor was I disliked as an employee, no, but in the eyes of some, I was too nice, too soft, too John! And honestly, I was! They wanted more toughness and accountability with the drivers, and I didn’t want to babysit! So when I arrived at work that morning, I learned that after two and a half years as a lead, I was placed back into the driver’s seat: no notice, no meeting, no nothing. Scheduled change, decision made, take it or leave it. Now, in all fairness, a few other leads, for different reasons, also faced a similar fate but chose to quit rather than accept what was viewed as the “Ultimate Demotion.” I was angry. As the days passed, I struggled to come to grips with the decision. I felt like a complete failure, having let so many people down, especially my family. It was challenging and embarrassing trying to explain how a grown-ass man lost his position and was now back to clicking seat belts. Not to mention the two to three hundred dollars I lost in weekly pay, Ouch! As I stated before, I thought of quitting. But I enjoyed driving; It was my therapy, and now God had reminded me of why I came here. To drive.

Back in the Driver’s Seat

Emmanuel: “God with us.” In every moment of our lives, God is with us. Even in the darkest moments of pain and suffering, our all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving Father hasn’t forsaken us, but loves us and has a plan for us. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) God knew the storm that lay ahead and prepared me for its impact by placing me back in the driver’s seat. Driving became a big part of my healing journey. It gave me moments of solitude to pray, reminisce, grieve, and find encouragement through experiences and conversations with passengers that would never have been possible working as a lead. Case in point: one day, following a passenger drop-off, I was near the church where Ursula and I were married. Driving into the parking lot, I reminisced about our wedding day as I grieved her loss. Another time, I ended up across the street from Ursula’s final workplace. As I drove into the circular driveway, I reminisced about the many times I picked her up and we went for lunch. Finally, being stationed in the parking lot of the shopping center (the company is no longer in business), where we purchased our wedding rings. These, along with numerous conversations with passengers, gave me time to reminisce, reflect, and grieve. What I saw as the “Ultimate Demotion,” God used to help me navigate my grief.

So what does this all mean?

Right now, you might be facing a demotion, not as I faced, but a cutting away, a change, a shift in your life. that you didn’t see coming. It could be a job loss, a divorce, loss of a loved one, or financial ruin. You might feel the mistakes of your past have finally caught up with you,

After killing an Egyptian, Moses fled Egypt and spent 40 years in exile in Midian as a shepherd. It was there, on the backside of the mountain, some 40 years later, operating in a lonely shepherd role, that God’s purpose was revealed to him. God appeared to him in a burning bush and instructed him to “go back” to Egypt to lead the Israelites out of slavery. This return to the place of his past failure was necessary for him to fulfill his future calling as a leader. Moses 40 years of exile were God’s 40 years of preparation.

The nine months before Ursula’s passing were my Midian, my backside-of-the-mountain experience, my preparation. God allowed the demotion, not only to prepare me for Ursula’s loss but also to serve as a catalyst for revealing my purpose. “Life doesn’t end when your spouse dies. God doesn’t give you a death sentence to live out but life to live, love to give, laughs to share, and people to serve.” Amazingly, God has turned my darkest days into a remarkable strength as I serve and encourage others also facing life-changing events. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalm 46:1 KJV)

Peace be still.

Now, some two and a half years later, the sea has changed. The raging sea of grief that tossed me in those early days, weeks, and months has slowly subsided and been replaced with the calming waters of God’s peace, power, purpose, and presence. Oh, I still have my moments, but that’s when I remind myself of the goodness of God, and because of faith in his son Jesus, I can live in hopeful grief.

When Ursula passed away, the road I knew passed too. As I navigated the loss, I longed for that old familiar road, the one I could set a watch by. But over the days, months, and years, that road slowly faded away as a new one unfolded in my day-to-day actions. And for the first time, I started embracing this new life, this new normal, different from the one I had come to expect.

When your spouse dies, the life you knew dies too. Going from a life you could predict and set your watch by to a life you couldn’t predict or ask for didn’t ask for, and that’s the most difficult part: immediate changes. The life that you knew cannot be predicted, but like most of us, we long for the life and the only life we know. “This is what I know, this is how we’ve always done it!” But over the days, months, and even years, life as we knew it slowly fades into a memory, while our day-to-day actions change. And for the first time, we must slowly step forward into this new life, a different life from the one we once knew.

To most of the outside world, life with your spouse was the only life they knew, and to some, change is forgetting, change is digressing, change is moving backwards. The fact that you are choosing to move forward is a complete betrayal of trust. How dare you, how could you, why are you doing things differently? This is the life I know, and you need to keep it that way! or else I’m out!! Is it not good enough? What are you thinking? You need to keep things the way they are, the way they were; this is not right. You are dishonoring the very thing that you work so hard to build. to build. one you built this life with

Case in point. For me, Ursula was the master cook. Preparing meals was her gift, her therapy, her thing. “Prepare a five-course meal, no problem!” Many times, as I came into the house, I would stop by my favorite room in the kitchen, and there would be food in glass dishes covered in foil on top of the stove

I longed for the five-course meals, the intimate moments, the hugs that reminded me that I’m proud of you and that you’re going to be ok. The walks through Marshall’s Ross, Hobby Lobby, Kirkland’s, Tuesday Morning, and many other stores where we shopped. Losing Ursula didn’t end my life; it just changed it. People don’t know what to do with you I have also learned that following a lose people sometimes don’t know what to do with you.

As I stated, my life didn’t end following Ursula’s passing, but the road traveled did. Now it’s about surveying the life and years you have remaining and coming up with a plan, a blueprint, of what now. God, what will I do now? God takes you through to prepare you too.

It’s okay that your life is different. It’s okay to learn something new, to meet someone new, to travel and learn something new, to desire something different, to cook something different, to take a different route, shop at a different store, and see the world differently. It’s okay.

Jesus endured being treated or mistreated by his own creation. Tried in an unjust court, he was represented or looked upon by the religious world as a common criminal, enemy of the state, enemy number one. But this was all part of God’s plan. Jesus died so we could live. He took the sins of the world of all of humanity, past, present, and future, to that shameful, pitiful, agonizing cross, Golgotha, the place of the skull, the weight of death, sin, and darkness, to bring salvation, life, light, love, hope, peace, and purpose. God’s redemptive work cannot be stopped; it was mandated since the foundation of the world by him, the creator, giver, and sustainer of life. So our efforts to prevent, change, and turn rebuke his purpose fall into his hands, plans, and purpose. The crucifixion was the most painful way to die; the humiliation, the pain, was designed to deter others from committing crimes and crimes against humanity, for it was an eyewitness, for people telling them Go down this road and this will happen to you also. Jesus was whipped, slapped, and mocked; they pulled and plucked his beard, and nailed him to a tree that resembled a cross. Pierced him in his side, demanding he come down and prove himself. But he didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t because that wasn’t the plan; this was. He died an actual physical death and was placed in a borrowed tomb. Humanity thought they had him, thought we were doing away with him, felt that we had the final word: Death. Boy, we had no idea. The Bible states that if we had known (that we were playing right into God’s plan, his purpose), we would not have crucified him. At the borrowed tomb, the angels stated it best, “Why look for the living among the dead? He is not here, for he has risen.” Thank you, God, for fulfilling your plan, purpose, and way. 🙏🏾❤️

One of the things that happens in marriage is that your identity becomes intertwined; “the two becomes one flesh;” you both lose a part of who you are, not in a bad or negative way, but in two becoming one. When that person dies, you have to try to rediscover and reconnect with an identity that has been sitting dormant for a long time. You might ask, “Who am I now? What will I do now?” How will my life look now? These questions might be challenging, but asking them, accepting them, and slowly moving through them are significant steps towards your healing journey.