Grief brings different responses for everyone. After Ursula’s passing, I dreamed we were in a city, laughing, singing, and cheering as we socialized. Smiles and hugs were all around. It felt like Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It was great. But the scene would quickly change. Now Ursula was gone; the same crowd was cheering my departure. This sounds wild; it’s funny now, but it’s true: I was bound, gagged, and placed on a large catapult as the cheering crowd waited for my deployment. The catapult launched, and I flew through the air (without a cape, of course!), eventually landing miles from the city in a barren wasteland. The straps that bound me broke as I landed and rolled violently along the gravel. Dark, dirty, and alone, I looked around and saw the glow of the city lights I once belonged to. What catapulted me into this moment was the loss of my spouse.

“I felt like I had a contagious disease, that I wasn’t normal, and I needed to be banished to the Island of Misfit Toys following her loss.” Some came along to offer support; some stayed away because I reminded them of her loss. And others, not knowing what to do or say, just went away. I’d find myself thinking, “But I’m still here!” “I’m still alive; I haven’t gone anywhere!” The responses came from family, friends, and strangers alike. Grief makes us uncomfortable because it reminds us of our own mortality. Grief is the elephant in the room no one talks about, but everyone has to face because “You can’t get out of life alive.”

But God has the power and the foundation to carry you. Psalm 55:22 states, “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. 1 Peter 5:7 states, “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” In the kingdom of God, you are never alone, nor will you be banished to the Island of Misfit Toys.

There is an actual street called Ursula Lane in Dallas. My biggest fear was Ursula passing before me. We talked about it. I couldn’t imagine life without her. She was my first love, best friend, and mother of my children. She was the initiator. She got things done. I can still hear her say, “It’s about business, man!” She even initiated our relationship! What would life be without her? What would I do? It was scary. I was used to traveling this road. When things got bumpy, she was my AAA, my Rescue 911; Ursula Ln. was the only road I knew.

During that morning of October 16, 2023, as I lay on the sofa in her ICU room, that fear became reality. As the doctor confirmed her passing, suddenly, Ursula Ln. was gone, washed away. My immediate response was “I don’t know what to do.” In that moment, I felt more like a little boy losing his mom than a husband who just lost his wife. I felt I had no foundation to stand on. Ursula Ln. was the road I had known for 28 years, and in that moment, it was gone. Her death was not a video game; there was no restart button to push, no fix-it tool to purchase, not even a return-to-sender label to ship it back. I couldn’t pull out a cape and say, “This is a job for Superman.” This was death front and center—the real deal. Ursula had always been there; now, for the first time, she wasn’t.

I believe that nothing in life happens by chance. From the time we’re born to the time we die, our lives are planned by the all-wise God. Because he is the Creator and all-knowing, nothing surprises him; he has a plan and purpose for everything. Yes, everything: even following the death of a spouse. King Solomon, the wisest man to have ever lived, describes it this way: Starting at Ecclesiastes 3:1, “To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” It also states, “A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 2023 was my road of weeping and mourning. But along the way, I also found time to laugh and dance.

In the early morning hours of October 16, 2023, Ursula, my wife of 28 years, passed away following a brief hospital stay. Losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. In fact, the Holmes and Rahe Life Stress Inventory (which rates stress levels in life-changing events) states that the death of a spouse is the number one life-changing event, with a stress score of 100. But in the midst of this road, I found comfort in the 23rd Psalm. Christ spoke to the apostle Paul in II Corinthians 12:9a (KJV): “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.“ My prayer is that, as you read this book, you find strength, hope, and purpose in Christ amid whatever you are facing or will face. God knows before we do and will use it for his glory. “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 (CSB). That’s what this book is about: How God used a Demotion, a Confirmation, and a Dream to prepare me for loss and purpose.

-John Lee Allen

“Who are you calling ugly, sucker?” Have you looked in the mirror lately? Whoa, before you get offended, I’m not speaking about physical looks here. No, no, in a strange way, it’s about serving others. Let me explain. Recently, we got our first snowstorm of the season in Dallas. Snow, ice, sleet, and freezing rain mean shut-down, city, baby: no work, no school, raid the grocery stores, and stay home! But some professions, mines included, require braving this wintry forecast, which can be both beautiful and treacherous at times. Working for a rideshare company that prides itself on vehicle cleanliness is a big deal! Who doesn’t like being picked up in a clean, nice-smelling vehicle! This consistency, along with safety and hospitality, is what our customers have come to expect.

Value is the key to service. But this snowstorm reminded me once again that, though I can’t control the weather, I can control the service I provide. As I drove on highways, streets, and into neighborhoods, the remnants of this wintry mix became evident on the car. Snow, sand, dirt, and everything else that could stick to it covered it, causing it to look like an old car wrap! It was ugly! As customers entered the car, I found myself constantly apologizing for the ugliness. Their response: “There’s no need to apologize, you can’t control this!” I then realized that safety and hospitality would be my service for the day. As I made my drop-offs, I heard responses such as: “Thanks, John, for getting us here safely,” or “Thanks for the ride and conversation!” In the end, I realized that serving others still existed, but “Sometimes you got to go ugly!”

Waking up that rainy morning, the struggle became more intense. Over the previous days, discouragement began creeping in as the enemy tried to gain the upper hand. “It’s not going to work, it’s not what you think, this is all for nothing, there’s no relationship, there’s too much distance, too many miles, too many other responsibilities. Long-distance relationships don’t work, never have, never will. God is fooling you. She’s been on a few one-and-done dates since moving to Washington. She told you about them. At least they are near, but you, my friend, what can you do, what can you offer? You’re hours away! “Come on, be honest, you can’t give her what she needs or desires.” Talking about being punched and feeling the effects!! But as always, “God has a purpose; God has a plan!”

Later, as I drove to work, my GPS rerouted me a different way. Taking a different route meant I wouldn’t be stopping by my favorite RaceTrac gas station for my morning coffee. I was a little discouraged, because it’s one of the better ones around. It’s always well stocked, the employees are friendly, it’s clean, and their coffee machines are always working. Maybe having a police station, city bus depot, and city sanitation department within walking distance has something to do with that. Thankfully, both of my alternate routes have a RaceTrac along the way. (“God has a purpose; God has a plan!”) Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed a homeless man entering the store. As I headed towards the coffee section, he was standing at the last coffee machine (there are five in total), filling a cup he brought in. Stepping towards the third machine, He turned, smiled, and said a few words. I grabbed a cup, selected the flavor and size, and waited as it dispensed. “Hey, hey, are you going to pay for that?” I heard from a distance. He never turned around. I turned to make eye contact with the cashier. I asked softly how much for his coffee, upon which she signaled, Never mind. Turning to check my coffee, Kathy stepped between us, resting a big box between her and the counter of the fourth coffee machine. Looking towards the homeless man, she repeated, “I got toiletries, I got toiletries, I got toiletries!” as she looked in the box. My coffee was now ready, and like that, she was gone. Turning towards the kiosk to flavor my coffee, I lost track of the homeless man. As I headed towards the counter to pay, I noticed him again. He was walking out and back into the weather.

Heading towards my truck, I noticed he was wearing only one shoe. A sock covered his left foot, which was overlapping and saturated with water. As he slowly walked through a large puddle, Kathy came out of the store with the box. Again looking towards him, she walked towards me, repeating, “I got shoes, I got shoes, I got shoes.” As she set the box between us, I shifted my coffee to my left hand and placed my right arm under the box to give support as she looked for shoes. Turning to get into my truck, again, she was gone. And the homeless man had walked off into the distance. At that moment, God reminded me that there is no need to worry about anything; he will supply all our needs when we make serving others our priority. “Whoever shuts their ears to the cry of the poor will also cry out and not be answered.” Proverbs 21:13 NIV

Let me just say, I had a rough day today. No need to explain why it was rough, just know it was. But even on this rough day, I got a message. I must be aware of falling into the what-ifs and why-me, and see that’s why I don’t! thinking. I must be mindful of the self-pity-victim mentality, and fight it with everything I got. During those moments, it’s easy for me to complain rather than encourage. It’s easy to let my life come to a grinding halt because of things I can’t control, change, or fix. Yet each passing day, so many fall into this trap, sabotaging their success and taking themselves out of a life of living, loving, learning, laughing, and serving others. Yes, you will have rough days, you will experience trying moments, you will face loss, but don’t let your precious time, energy, talents, and gifts be wasted another day being pissed about something you can’t change or do nothing about. If it’s in your power to change and do something, then by all means, have at it: make the commitment, stand up, move forward, and make the sacrifice. But if not, stop being the person who complains, stays pissed off, and does nothing.

The bible says in John 10:10, “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. Satan desires to take what God has given through lies, deceit, trickery, false accusations, stress, hard ache, pain, so that the focus becomes you and not the word of God. Self-pity lies in all of us. Luke 22: 31 states, “And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:”

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“This is why you came here, to drive,” echoed in my spirit as I sat slumped in the company car, angry, discouraged, and wanting to quit. Two weeks prior, I was demoted from my office job as a lead/shift manager and back to driver. Honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but still, it caught me off guard. The demotion wasn’t because I had violated company policy. Nor was I a bad employee, but in some people’s eyes, I was too nice, too soft, too John! And honestly, I was! They wanted more accountability with the drivers, and I didn’t want to babysit! So after two and a half years, they put me back in the driver’s seat: Take it or leave it. To many, this was considered the “Ultimate Demotion.” For me, it was embarrassing trying to explain how a grown-ass man lost his manager position and was now back to clicking seat belts. Not to mention the pay cut- ouch! I struggled with the decision and really thought of quitting, but I enjoyed driving; I loved working for the company, and driving was my therapy, and now I was reminded why I came here. To drive.

Back in the Driver’s Seat

In every moment of our lives, the shepherd still leads. Even in the darkest moments of pain and suffering, in our valley experience, He hasn’t forsaken us; He walks with us, leading, guiding, and comforting. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” The Lord knew the storm ahead and prepared me for its impact by placing me back where I belonged. Driving became a big part of my healing journey. It gave me moments of solitude to pray, reminisce, grieve, and find hope and encouragement in experiences and conversations that wouldn’t have been possible working in the office. What I viewed as the “Ultimate Demotion” became my backside-of-the-mountain blessing, as God helped me navigate grief and prepare me for my purpose.

So what does this all mean?

After killing an Egyptian, Moses fled Egypt and spent 40 years in exile in Midian as a shepherd. There, on the backside of the mountain, some 40 years later, in this lonely shepherd role, God revealed His purpose. The Lord appeared to him in a burning bush and instructed him to return to Egypt to lead his people out of slavery. This return to his past failure was necessary for him to fulfill his future calling as a leader. Moses’ 40 years of exile were God’s 40 years of preparation.

2023 was my Midian, my backside-of-the-mountain experience, my preparation. The lord allowed the “Ultimate Demotion” not only to prepare me for loss but also to serve as a catalyst that would later reveal my purpose. I was learning that I must be willing to follow the shepherd at all costs.

As I navigated my grief, I longed for the road Ursula and I spent building. It was the only one I knew. As I mentioned before, Ursula did everything. I was totally dependent on her. My oldest daughter said it best: “Nothing against you, Daddy, but Momma did everything.” Now, for the first time, I faced a road where I had to do the unthinkable: everything.

Along with grieving, I now had to ask questions, make decisions, and figure things out. Good or bad, right or wrong, it was all on me. And honestly, I was scared as hell because I believed I was incapable. If I did it, things would get screwed up. And honestly, some things did. No one ever told me this, but I came to believe it over time. Ursula’s passing forced me to face my biggest enemy: me.

Each day, we look in the mirror and face our greatest enemy. It’s not what others think about us, but it’s what we believe about ourselves. We spend years embracing limiting beliefs as the enemy loudly speaks. Now, for the first time, I had nowhere to run or hide; I had to face beliefs that had sat dormant for years and didn’t align with Scripture. Psalm 23:5 states, “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” My enemies were not from outside but from within: doubt, fear, people-pleasing, fear of man, and certain beliefs I held about God. The Shepherd prepared the table, and now I had to face them one by one and leave them at the Shepherd’s feet- the foot of the cross.

It’s okay that your life is different. It’s okay to learn something new, to meet someone new, to travel and learn something new, to desire something different, to cook something different, to take a different route, shop at a different store, and see the world differently. It’s okay.