“Who are you calling ugly, sucker?” Have you looked in the mirror lately? Whoa, before you get offended, I’m not speaking about physical looks here. No, no, in a strange way, it’s about serving others. Let me explain. Recently, we got our first snowstorm of the season in Dallas. Snow, ice, sleet, and freezing rain mean shut-down, city, baby: no work, no school, raid the grocery stores, and stay home! But some professions, mines included, require braving this wintry forecast, which can be both beautiful and treacherous at times. Working for a rideshare company that prides itself on vehicle cleanliness is a big deal! Who doesn’t like being picked up in a clean, nice-smelling vehicle! This consistency, along with safety and hospitality, is what our customers have come to expect.

Value is the key to service. But this snowstorm reminded me once again that, though I can’t control the weather, I can control the service I provide. As I drove on highways, streets, and into neighborhoods, the remnants of this wintry mix became evident on the car. Snow, sand, dirt, and everything else that could stick to it covered it, causing it to look like an old car wrap! It was ugly! As customers entered the car, I found myself constantly apologizing for the ugliness. Their response: “There’s no need to apologize, you can’t control this!” I then realized that safety and hospitality would be my service for the day. As I made my drop-offs, I heard responses such as: “Thanks, John, for getting us here safely,” or “Thanks for the ride and conversation!” In the end, I realized that serving others still existed, but “Sometimes you got to go ugly!”

Waking up that rainy morning, the struggle became more intense. Over the previous days, discouragement began creeping in as the enemy tried to gain the upper hand. “It’s not going to work, it’s not what you think, this is all for nothing, there’s no relationship, there’s too much distance, too many miles, too many other responsibilities. Long-distance relationships don’t work, never have, never will. God is fooling you. She’s been on a few one-and-done dates since moving to Washington. She told you about them. At least they are near, but you, my friend, what can you do, what can you offer? You’re hours away! “Come on, be honest, you can’t give her what she needs or desires.” Talking about being punched and feeling the effects!! But as always, “God has a purpose; God has a plan!”

Later, as I drove to work, my GPS rerouted me a different way. Taking a different route meant I wouldn’t be stopping by my favorite RaceTrac gas station for my morning coffee. I was a little discouraged, because it’s one of the better ones around. It’s always well stocked, the employees are friendly, it’s clean, and their coffee machines are always working. Maybe having a police station, city bus depot, and city sanitation department within walking distance has something to do with that. Thankfully, both of my alternate routes have a RaceTrac along the way. (“God has a purpose; God has a plan!”) Pulling into the parking lot, I noticed a homeless man entering the store. As I headed towards the coffee section, he was standing at the last coffee machine (there are five in total), filling a cup he brought in. Stepping towards the third machine, He turned, smiled, and said a few words. I grabbed a cup, selected the flavor and size, and waited as it dispensed. “Hey, hey, are you going to pay for that?” I heard from a distance. He never turned around. I turned to make eye contact with the cashier. I asked softly how much for his coffee, upon which she signaled, Never mind. Turning to check my coffee, Kathy stepped between us, resting a big box between her and the counter of the fourth coffee machine. Looking towards the homeless man, she repeated, “I got toiletries, I got toiletries, I got toiletries!” as she looked in the box. My coffee was now ready, and like that, she was gone. Turning towards the kiosk to flavor my coffee, I lost track of the homeless man. As I headed towards the counter to pay, I noticed him again. He was walking out and back into the weather.

Heading towards my truck, I noticed he was wearing only one shoe. A sock covered his left foot, which was overlapping and saturated with water. As he slowly walked through a large puddle, Kathy came out of the store with the box. Again looking towards him, she walked towards me, repeating, “I got shoes, I got shoes, I got shoes.” As she set the box between us, I shifted my coffee to my left hand and placed my right arm under the box to give support as she looked for shoes. Turning to get into my truck, again, she was gone. And the homeless man had walked off into the distance. At that moment, God reminded me that there is no need to worry about anything; he will supply all our needs when we make serving others our priority. “Whoever shuts their ears to the cry of the poor will also cry out and not be answered.” Proverbs 21:13 NIV

Let me just say, I had a rough day today. No need to explain why it was rough, just know it was. But even on this rough day, I got a message. I must be aware of falling into the what-ifs and why-me, and see that’s why I don’t! thinking. I must be mindful of the self-pity-victim mentality, and fight it with everything I got. During those moments, it’s easy for me to complain rather than encourage. It’s easy to let my life come to a grinding halt because of things I can’t control, change, or fix. Yet each passing day, so many fall into this trap, sabotaging their success and taking themselves out of a life of living, loving, learning, laughing, and serving others. Yes, you will have rough days, you will experience trying moments, you will face loss, but don’t let your precious time, energy, talents, and gifts be wasted another day being pissed about something you can’t change or do nothing about. If it’s in your power to change and do something, then by all means, have at it: make the commitment, stand up, move forward, and make the sacrifice. But if not, stop being the person who complains, stays pissed off, and does nothing.

The bible says in John 10:10, “The thief cometh not, but to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. Satan desires to take what God has given through lies, deceit, trickery, false accusations, stress, hard ache, pain, so that the focus becomes you and not the word of God. Self-pity lies in all of us. Luke 22: 31 states, “And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:”

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalms 46:1 KJV)

“This is why you came here, to drive,” echoed in my spirit as I sat slumped in the company car, angry, discouraged, feeling sorry for myself, and wanting to quit. Two weeks had passed since I was demoted from my office job as a lead back to a driver. Honestly, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but still, it caught me off guard. My demotion wasn’t because I was a bad employee or had violated company policy. Nor was it because they didn’t like me; they did, but felt as a lead/manager, I was too nice, too soft! And honestly, I was! They wanted more toughness and accountability with the drivers, and I didn’t want to babysit! So when I arrived for work early that morning, I quickly learned that, after 2.5 years of leading, I had been placed back into the driver’s seat. No notice, no meeting, no nothing. Scheduled changed, decision made, take it or leave it. Now, in all fairness, there were a few others, for different reasons, who also faced the same fate but chose to quit rather than accept what I viewed as the “ultimate demotion.” I was angry. As the days passed, I struggled to come to grips with the decision. I felt like a complete failure, having let so many people down, especially my family. It was challenging and embarrassing trying to explain how a grown-ass man lost his position and was now back to clicking seat belts. Not to mention my loss in pay!! Ouch! I thought of quitting. But I enjoyed driving; It was my therapy, and I enjoyed working for the company.

Emmanuel: “God with us.” In every moment of our lives, God is with us. Even in the darkest moments of pain and suffering, our all-knowing, all-wise, all-loving Father hasn’t forsaken us, but loves us and has a plan for us. “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV) God knew the storm that lay ahead and placed me back where I needed to be, in the driver’s seat. Driving became a big part of my healing journey. It gave me moments of solitude to reminisce, grieve, and find encouragement through experiences and conversations with passengers that would never have been possible working as a lead. Case in point: one day, following a passenger drop-off, I was near the church where Ursula and I were married. Driving into the parking lot, I reminisced about our wedding day as I grieved her loss. Another time, I ended up across the street from Ursula’s final workplace. As I drove into the circular driveway, I reminisced about the times I picked her up, and we would go have lunch. Finally, being parked at the shopping center (the company is no longer in business), where we purchased our wedding rings. These, as well as many other moments, gave me time to reminisce, reflect, and grieve. What I saw as the “Ultimate Demotion,” God used it to “DRIVE” me to my purpose.

After killing an Egyptian, Moses fled Egypt and spent 40 years in exile in Midian as a shepherd. It was there, on the backside of the mountain, some 40 years later, in a shepherd role, that God’s purpose was revealed to him. God appeared to him in a burning bush and instructed him to “go back” to Egypt to lead the Israelites out of slavery. This return to the place of his past failure was necessary for him to fulfill his future calling as a leader. Moses 40 years of exile were God’s 40 years of preparation.

The nine months before Ursula’s passing were my Midian, my backside-of-the-mountain experience. God allowed the setbacks, closed doors, and revelations to serve as the foundation for my purpose to be revealed. That purpose: “Life doesn’t end when your spouse dies. You aren’t given a death sentence but a life to live, love, laugh, learn, and serve.” Amazingly, God has turned my darkest days and moments of loss and grief into a remarkable strength to serve and encourage others also facing life-changing events. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” (Psalms 46:1 KJV)

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

When Ursula passed away, the life I knew passed away too. As the days and months started adding up, I longed for my old life, the good old days, the life I could be set by a watch. But over the days, months, and years, that life slowly faded into a memory, while a new life was unfolding in my day-to-day actions. And for the first time, I started embracing this new life, this new normal, different from the one I had come to know.

When your spouse dies, the life you knew dies too. Going from a life you could predict and set your watch by to a life you couldn’t predict or ask for didn’t ask for, and that’s the most difficult part: immediate changes. The life that you knew cannot be predicted, but like most of us, we long for the life and the only life we know. “This is what I know, this is how we’ve always done it!” But over the days, months, and even years, life as we knew it slowly fades into a memory, while our day-to-day actions change. And for the first time, we must slowly step forward into this new life, a different life from the one we once knew.

To most of the outside world, life with your spouse was the only life they knew, and to some, change is forgetting, change is digressing, change is moving backwards. The fact that you are choosing to move forward is a complete betrayal of trust. How dare you, how could you, why are you doing things differently? This is the life I know, and you need to keep it that way! or else I’m out!! Is it not good enough? What are you thinking? You need to keep things the way they are, the way they were; this is not right. You are dishonoring the very thing that you work so hard to build. to build. one you built this life with

Case in point. For me, Ursula was the master cook. Preparing meals was her gift, her therapy, her thing. “Prepare a five-course meal, no problem!” Many times, as I came into the house, I would stop by my favorite room in the kitchen, and there would be food in glass dishes covered in foil on top of the stove

I longed for the five-course meals, the intimate moments, the hugs that reminded me that I’m proud of you and that you’re going to be ok. The walks through Marshall’s Ross, Hobby Lobby, Kirkland’s, Tuesday Morning, and many other stores where we shopped. Losing Ursula didn’t end my life; it just changed it. People don’t know what to do with you I have also learned that following a lose people sometimes don’t know what to do with you.

Under Construction

Losing a spouse eventually forces you to start rebuilding. It’s about moving forward and constructing a life that’s different from the one that you knew, the one that no longer exists. It requires self-discovery, stepping out of your comfort zone, facing your fears, and confronting dormant misbeliefs. Who am I? What will I do? Where will I go? Who are my friends? What is my purpose? Is life, love, and laughter still possible? Can I learn new things and find different ways to serve others? Can I rebuild without feeling guilt, shame, or betrayal?

It’s about surveying the life and years you have remaining and coming up with a plan, a blueprint, of what now. God, what will I do now? God takes you through to prepare you too.

It’s okay that your life is different. It’s okay to learn something new, to meet someone new, to travel and learn something new, to desire something different, to cook something different, to take a different route, shop at a different store, and see the world differently. It’s okay.

Jesus endured being treated or mistreated by his own creation. Tried in an unjust court, he was represented or looked upon by the religious world as a common criminal, enemy of the state, enemy number one. But this was all part of God’s plan. Jesus died so we could live. He took the sins of the world of all of humanity, past, present, and future, to that shameful, pitiful, agonizing cross, Golgotha, the place of the skull, the weight of death, sin, and darkness, to bring salvation, life, light, love, hope, peace, and purpose. God’s redemptive work cannot be stopped; it was mandated since the foundation of the world by him, the creator, giver, and sustainer of life. So our efforts to prevent, change, and turn rebuke his purpose fall into his hands, plans, and purpose. The crucifixion was the most painful way to die; the humiliation, the pain, was designed to deter others from committing crimes and crimes against humanity, for it was an eyewitness, for people telling them Go down this road and this will happen to you also. Jesus was whipped, slapped, and mocked; they pulled and plucked his beard, and nailed him to a tree that resembled a cross. Pierced him in his side, demanding he come down and prove himself. But he didn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t because that wasn’t the plan; this was. He died an actual physical death and was placed in a borrowed tomb. Humanity thought they had him, thought we were doing away with him, felt that we had the final word: Death. Boy, we had no idea. The Bible states that if we had known (that we were playing right into God’s plan, his purpose), we would not have crucified him. At the borrowed tomb, the angels stated it best, “Why look for the living among the dead? He is not here, for he has risen.” Thank you, God, for fulfilling your plan, purpose, and way. 🙏🏾❤️

One of the things that happens in marriage is that your identity becomes intertwined; “the two becomes one flesh;” you both lose a part of who you are, not in a bad or negative way, but in two becoming one. When that person dies, you have to try to rediscover and reconnect with an identity that has been sitting dormant for a long time. You might ask, “Who am I now? What will I do now?” How will my life look now? These questions might be challenging, but asking them, accepting them, and slowly moving through them are significant steps towards your healing journey.

Imagine you entered a shoe store that only sold size 10 shoes. You can buy any brand in any color, from sneakers to casuals to dress shoes, as long as they are size 10. For the person who wears a size 10, “hallelujah, “Yeah, this is my store.” But for all the rest of us, including myself (I wear a size 14), I would be like, wait, what? That doesn’t make sense! What’s going on here? A one-size shoe store would be ludicrous and unprofitable because not everyone wears the same size. Like the size 10 shoe analogy, there is no one-size-fits-all to grief. Everyone’s journey will be different; no two are alike. There is no “right” or “wrong way to grieve. What has worked for me and my loss will not work for everybody. Grief is a personal journey. Our journey will differ based on our relationship with that person, our personality and coping styles, our upbringing, cultural differences, personal beliefs, and the circumstances surrounding the loss.

As you travel this journey, you will experience moments when you wonder if this is normal. Am I really grieving? Should I be done with this stage? It seems that others are further along than I am. During those moments, take a deep breath, give yourself some grace, and remember this is a journey. Everyone’s grief will be different because there is no size 10 shoe.

In October of 2023, I lost my wife of twenty-eight years, Ursula, during a brief hospital stay. And as some of you know, losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences imaginable. In fact, the Holmes and Rahe Life Stress Inventory (which rates stress levels in life-changing events) states that the death of a spouse is the #1 life-changing event with a stress score of 100.

During this journey, I’ve experienced grief, shock, fear, confusion, lack of sleep, and anger. I also had to painfully accept that the life I knew before her death no longer exists, and now I must prayerfully chart a new path. But in the midst of my pain, at the lowest point of my life, God revealed his purpose (though I wouldn’t have chosen this) and the path I must now walk. This page has been created to share that path. My message for all those who have experienced loss: “Your life is not over, you haven’t been given a death sentence, there’s still life to live, love to give, laughs to share, and people to serve.” “Your purpose still matters.”

Through coaching, speaking, writing, and videos, I desire to share my journey with you so that together we might find life, love, laughter, and the ability to serve others who have lost purpose during their season of loss.