As I navigated my grief, I longed for the road Ursula and I spent building. It was the only one I knew. As I mentioned before, Ursula did everything. I was totally dependent on her. My oldest daughter said it best: “Nothing against you, Daddy, but Momma did everything.” Now, for the first time, I faced a road where I had to do the unthinkable: everything.
Along with grieving, I now had to ask questions, make decisions, and figure things out. Good or bad, right or wrong, it was all on me. And honestly, I was scared as hell because I believed I was incapable. If I did it, things would get screwed up. And honestly, some things did. No one ever told me this, but I came to believe it over time. Ursula’s passing forced me to face my biggest enemy: me.
Each day, we look in the mirror and face our greatest enemy. It’s not what others think about us, but it’s what we believe about ourselves. We spend years embracing limiting beliefs as the enemy loudly speaks. Now, for the first time, I had nowhere to run or hide; I had to face beliefs that had sat dormant for years and didn’t align with Scripture. Psalm 23:5 states, “Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” My enemies were not from outside but from within: doubt, fear, people-pleasing, fear of man, and certain beliefs I held about God. The Shepherd prepared the table, and now I had to face them one by one and leave them at the Shepherd’s feet- the foot of the cross.
